5 hidden triggers that could be making toddler tantrums worse

It can be challenging as a parent to know what to do with toddler tantrums, especially when they snowball out of control and turn into a full-blown meltdown! You might be wondering, what are toddler tantrums? Are toddler tantrums normal? What can I do to help my child get through tantrums easier? Well, we are here to talk about it all, so let’s get started!

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First, what are toddler tantrums?

A toddler tantrum is a very intense emotional outburst typically triggered by feelings of overwhelm, frustration, or being unable to vocalize their needs. When a toddler begins to escalate emotionally, their immature brains may begin to lose the capability of their executive functioning and they may not be able to tell you what is wrong or what they need.

Are toddler tantrums normal?

Absolutely! Now, tantrums themselves are not at all concerning, however if your child is having an extreme frequency of tantrums, and if they regularly evolve into meltdowns, that could indicate a bigger underlying issue. However, toddler tantrums are very normal. They are simply a result of a child feeling intense emotions and not having the skills to regulate themselves yet.

Tantrums VS meltdowns – What’s the difference?

Toddler tantrums and meltdowns can look very similar at a first glance, so it’s important that we break down the key differences here and how to spot them! 

Toddler tantrums usually occur due to an unmet want or goal. Typically the child is trying to get something. A standard toddler tantrum will likely include crying, screaming, kicking, and even throwing things. Take note that these behaviors are normal and expected from a dysregulated toddler. One key element of a tantrum is that the child is at least partially aware of their surroundings, some kids will even pause for a second to see what your reaction is to the tantrum. 

Meltdowns on the other hand are always caused by sensory overload, or extreme emotional overwhelm. Meltdowns may be triggered by an event such as wanting to get something, which may start a tantrum, and then it spirals into a meltdown. Or, they can also just begin randomly due to frustrations in the environment or overwhelming circumstances. In the midst of a meltdown, there is no reasoning with The child, they are in fight or flight, and they are completely unaware of their surroundings. In this moment, the only thing that matters is working carefully and quickly to regulate the child with the sensory support they need.

1.Gentle Parenting Too Gently

Gentle parenting is a wonderful parenting style, but it can be a slippery slope because it is VERY easy to cross the line over into permissive parenting if you are not careful. Toddlers, especially around ages 3-4 need to know what you expect out of them and they need to have consistent boundaries. Without consistency and clear expectations, you will find yourself battling a lot of toddler tantrums throughout the day. 

So, How do we make our boundaries and expectations clear to a toddler? Well, it’s going to start with a lot of active intervention. Toddlers don’t learn to listen to the word “no” just by you saying it from a distance, you will have to be consistent and physically correct/remove the child from the situation they shouldn’t be in. This is exhausting, and it’ll be a lot of sitting down just to get back up again, but it will teach the child that if they don’t listen to that “no” you are going to come correct them anyway. 
Your boundaries should be something you can maintain even on your worst days, so make sure they are worth the “fight” and make sure you can manage them even through exhaustion or illness. If the boundaries change when you are sick or tired, your toddler will pick up on that and make things 100x harder on your sick days. They’ll take it as a free for all, doing whatever they want, and that is certainly not what you want!

2. Physical touch in the midst of tantrums

Now this is going to depend heavily on the child, but some kids don’t want to be touched, hugged, rocked or cuddled in the midst of their tantrums. That can be really hard for us as moms because we want to jump up and give cuddles and soothe them, but the most important thing here is what the child needs- not what you think they need. 

Some other ways to offer comfort without touching:

• Set up a calm down corner with a tent and some calming cards on the walls
• Try out some fidget sensory toys 
• Turn on this light projector in a dark room and play some soft meditative music
• Offer a child size weighted blanket 
• If you have pets, they are a wonderful tool for helping kids regulate themselves. Just watch carefully and be sure the child is gentle with the pet. 
• A cold drink with ice may help them come back down to baseline as well

3. Giving in to the tantrums

This may be a quick fix in the moment, and I know just how tempting it is. However, if you give in to the tantrums you will be setting yourself up for more severe and longer tantrums the next time your child wants something they did not get. Remember to stay strong in your choice, and if you have a partner you guys should be approaching these tantrums with a United stance backing each other up on all decisions.

4. Yelling

We’re certainly not perfect moms over here, yelling happens, but it is best not to yell during your child’s tantrums or heightened emotions. Your child is looking to you for co-regulation in the midst of a tantrum, and if they see you as dysregulated with them, it’s only going to escalate their overwhelm. If everyone is dysregulated, no one is going to be able to come back down to regulation. This is challenging, I know, but it is best to keep your cool and deep breathe through these moments.

5. Trying to reason with a tantruming child

In this state, a child is not capable of reasoning or learning. The ultimate goal in a tantrum is simply to get the child regulated and calm. Once they are calm, of course you can talk about reasonable consequences and what just happened, but during an active tantrum this conversation will not be productive at all. It’s likely the child won’t even hear or mentally process what you are saying at this time. 

The best option here is to keep your communication short, low, and slow. Keep phrases to 1-2 words, don’t raise your voice, and say things slowly. Modeling this calm tone along with a calm physical demeanor will help your child come back down and regulate with you. 

** helpful tip: I often tell my kids “you’re safe” in the heat of their tantrums, because sometimes I think those emotions feel so big and so scary, they may just need the reminder that they are safe. 

conclusion

It may feel like you are managing toddler tantrums constantly, and that likely is at least partially true. Toddlerhood is hard for everyone involved, and tantrums can pose a serious challenge to your day. Remember to avoid these 5 common mistakes parents make that might be making tantrums worse, and breathe easy knowing this phase will one day pass. The tantrums won’t last forever, and one day you’ll be managing your way through their last tantrum and you won’t even know it!

Questions/Comments?